Why, Mom?

There are days in the life of the Rahija family, that just seem to go better than others, and those that are quite the opposite, and are categorized into the "worse" than most. We've been having a few of the latter recently, following a nice stretch of better days. While going through some adorable pics taken of our family by the fabulous Ms. MacArthur, of Oklahoma, I found this one of Erin and Avery. The look on Avery's face seems to petition me with this silent question:

"Why do you let her touch me, mother? Why? She is loud, obnoxious, and continually tries to put my ears, fingers, toes, or cheeks into her mouth! She seems to think I like to have my head hugged multiple times each day - which by the way, I DON'T! -- and she also thinks I enjoy trying to sit up by being pulled by the top of my head, bending my neck at an unnatural angle, momentarily blocking my air supply. Yet, I endure it, except when it really hurts, and each day I feel the same way ... WHY?"

Hope you are having a "better than most" day!

Zoo pics

So I realized after looking at our pictures from the zoo trip, that we took pictures of mainly animals (which would stand to reason, as we were at the zoo), but have very few of us in the pics with the animals. There are a few, so I'll post them here. Erin, I think we decided, would have been pleased to mainly see the "land of the zebras" (which we didn't get to until late in the afternoon when she was really worn out from the walking) and the roly polies meandering around. She did enjoy the sheep too, although was disappointed that we didn't let her feed them. Maybe it will be different next year :)

Looking at the Sumatran Tigers

Spying on sunbathing kangaroos

Nervous of touching the sheep.

Baboon licking cement rock- disturbing.

At last, the Land of the ZEBRAS!

Zoo Memories

Today our family made a trip to the Kansas City Zoo -- it was the first time for all of us girls, only David had been before. I'll write more about the trip later, and maybe post some pics, but I had to share this before I forgot it ... as we were leaving the Asia exhibits, including the tigers and red pandas, Erin excitedly whispers a halt to our little procession. I stopped the stroller and both David and I turned to see what the excitment was about. Erin, hands clasped in utter glee, "whisper-talks" that she has found something we needed to go back and see. David and I looked around for an exhibit we missed, finding only a restroom hut, looked questioningly back to our daughter. She again, looks blissfully excited, and gives a description of the beast in question.

"It's small and curls up in a ball, and has lines on it's back."

I thought perhaps she'd seen a squirrel, or something in the top of one of the other animal areas. David guessed a snake.

"No, it's just back here!" she said, pointing to the ground.

By this time, Erin is so excited, I was afraid we were going to need a trip to that restroom hut, AND I had guessed the mystery animal. I didn't know whether to be exasperated or amused, so I chose the second ...

"Is it a roly poly, Erin?"

"YES! It's right back there! I SAW it with my own eyes, mom. Hurry, hurry, before it crawls away! I love those things!!!"

We pretended to see the roly poly, and moved her along to the rest of the zoo.

It just goes to show ... even if you do go to the zoo on "cheap" day, we coulda had just as much wonder and excitement in the backyard. Thanks for the reminder, little girl, that fun doesn't have to cost anything, and wonder is still alive and well in the world!

The Nub

This is in response/an update to my post from a few days/weeks past. Matt, our friend who was in the motorcycle accident, is doing well. He has returned to Phat Thursdays, Sunday worship times, class, and has even created a fun new website/blog to share about his experiences. Please visit it, and get to know a little about Matt's accident, and a lot about him! www.thenub.org

Whee -- It's 83!

Well, the big event has come and gone ... Watermelon Day, 2006. And yes, this was the theme for the big day. Anyone questioning just what is this wonderful celebration? Well, 83 years ago, a guy near the town of Gaylord, KS (yes, Gaylord), grew a bunch of watermelon ... down by the river, again, yes, "down by the river". There were so many, he invited his family and friends down to the river to enjoy a picnic and watermelon on Labor Day. The day was such a success, the next year, he apparently grew more watermelon, and decided to invite the Gaylord and Cedar communities to join in the picnic/watermelon frolic ... thus began the tradition of Watermelon Day, in Gaylord, KS.

Now, why, on earth, do you ask, would we pack up our car, drive 5 hours west and north into the land of pretty much nothing for a weekend?? Well, my grandparents live in the Gaylord community, and this year, they were given a Watermelon Day award. We thought they were going to be crowned, but instead they received a plaque, and a nice set of accolades. This happened on Sunday evening, prior to the big day.

Also, we enjoyed music from a set of sisters, ages 17, 16, 15, and 12, named Alika, Danika, Janika, and Lanika. They are quite good, for their age, and are called "Eternity Focus." (they'll be recording in KC at the end of this month with a guy who recorded Mark Schultz' first album, as well as some things for Amy Grant). Anyway, the reason it is particularly special to me, is that when these girls were little bitty girls, I was in a singing group that sang in their church and around the community, and these girls would always come up to us afterward and ask for our autographs, tell us how they wanted to be a singing group someday too, and the whole nine-stars-in-the-eyes-yards. It was so neat to see that they had followed their dream, and are on their way to something bigger, to bring glory to God's name. An even more sweet moment, was as I was holding my little girl, she was singing along with the "big girls" on some of the songs, and I saw parts of history repeating -- for His glory! Tears soon followed, but I quickly recovered!

Okay, enough nostalgia for the moment. The Watermelon Day morn dawned clear and bright, and we headed off to the parade -- Erin's first, I think. She was amazed that the people on the floats threw candy, and although she had trouble spotting the pieces that dropped at her feet, she didn't miss the lone piece that didn't make it to the side of the route, but landed in the middle of the street. Zipping out to save it from certain squashing or horse poop, the Daring Erin rescued the lone root beer barrel, bringing the parade, more importantly, the red sports car she ran out in front of, to a small halt. Proud moment for us ... Grandpa G was at the front line with her, and I don't know what he was thinking, but turned around to the rest of us, smiled, and gave a thumbs up. I don't know ... Perhaps the most exciting moment was the passing of the horses, no, no, I think it was actually the fact that she got TWO packs of powdered donut gems, from the Gene's Heartland IGA grocery store float.

With the parade over, we picked our way through the horse trail (mmm, horse apples) and headed to the park, where the rest of the festivities take place. We hurried to get in line for the homemade icecream stand -- it usually goes fast, and once it's gone, ... My grandma (the tall lady with the white shirt w/ red collar) is the queen of the ice cream stand. She works it every year for the first shift. I was a bit disappointed in a the choices this year, as they ran out of my favorite, Oreo (aka: "oLeo", as the sign plainly states) before we got there, but I enjoyed some Strawberry. We then went to find a place to sit, because I guess it's not good to eat homemade ice cream standing up -- mom and dad rushed Erin to find a place in the bleachers. This was fun, because we got to watch everyone walk by, and I ran into several people from the community that I knew. Erin, however, soon bored of the people-watching, and spied a Nextel train giving rides to the kids. Boy, did she enjoy that. She even was scolded by the conductor for attempting to do "the wave" in the back car --TWICE!

Next, she wanted to play on the playground, so she and grandpa headed for the teeter totters. Well, this was all well and good, until Erin decided she wanted to get down, but Grandpa failed to hear that decision. She ended up on the ground, hitting bum first, it seems. Much wailing and many tears ensued. Once that was cleared up, she returned to the play area for the slide and merry-go-round. She avoided the teeter totters for the remainder of the day.
Okay, time for lunch and the watermelon! Grandpa got burgers for us from the food stand, and Erin and Daddy watched several men unload the watermelon from a grain truck and whack them open with large machete-type knives. She found this very stimulating, and I believe, secretly, thought she would make an excellent addition to the slicing team. Thankfully, they were fresh-out of knives. We sat on the cement in front of the bleachers to eat, where several young boys were enjoying a scuffle, kicking dirt onto my hunk of juicy, red watermelon.

After lunch, the next exciting activity began ... the kids races! My old PE teacher/BB Coach was the leader. I liked her in Jr. High, but was scared of her when I had her in Kindergarten ... I could sense a similar vibe coming from my daughter. We got Erin's name on the list, and waited for them to call her age category. However, the youngest level was 5-6 year olds. There were several kids under 5, so they let them race with the 5-6s ... which made for very even odds ... after the first few races, they added the 4 and under category, and even changed the races for them, due to their motor skill level. Erin has not had much experience racing, and what she has had has been only running. The most difficult race was the frog-hop, which she did complete, but in dead last among the 5-6 year olds, and the pseudo crab walk (hold onto your ankles while you walk to the other end of the field). The surprising race was the sack race. I was very nervous about this one, but she actually finished first!

By this point in the afternoon, we are all getting weary, so after one more hamburger for Erin, we headed back to the car to leave for home. Erin, clutching her prize (a purple "Grimace" beanie bear from McDonald's) and Avery sleeping again. Erin was asleep within 5 minutes of leaving Gaylord, and slept until we woke her for a potty break at Manhattan, which made it a nice trip for us. Avery also slept most of the trip home, until about 5 miles outside of Lawrence, when we had to stop for a food break.

There are many more small stories, but this is all I can handle typing for now. I hope the pictures upload so you, too, can enjoy Watermelon Day 2006!

tragedy

Flurry of new posts ... it's been a busy week, and now, I'd like to take a moment to be serious, and ask for your hearts. Today, well, I guess it was yesterday, now, our friend, Matt from church had a bad motorcycle accident. We have been asked to not post much of this online, as we don't know Matt's wishes in regards to this, but I wanted to ask those of you who are reading this, to please pray for him. Thank you so much -- the body of Christ is such an amazing thing, with vitality and life beyond anything I can imagine.

Avery Layne Rahija, Child of God

We had a special moment in our worship service on Sunday. David and I presented Avery for dedication. Basically, we wanted to publicly announce our intention to, and ask for the support of our family and church family, raise Avery to know and love God, and know His only Son, Jesus as her personal Savior. We know we cannot make the decision for her, but we will try our best, with His help and guidance, to raise her in His ways. We know this is not a light task, and are so pleased that so many have and will continue to help us on our journey of parenting. It was so heart-warming to see our family and church family sitting in the same room (even if they were sitting kind of separately -- we meet in an auditorium, so it's kind of hard to all sit in the same area it doesn't start that way), and hear them promise to help us, and keep our child (children) lifted up in prayer, and through living with them in Christian community. We have been so blessed

Grandma Gerstenkorn made Avery a special dress for the day. She didn't want her to feel left out later when Erin had a special dress (made by Great Grandma Boeck) and she didn't. It was a nice end to the weekend.

Thank you, to all of you, who have given so much love and support, and promised to help us raise our girls His way. We love you!

Hippee! ("yippee" in Erin-speak)

Well, I am happy to report that Erin's birthday party went off with no huge hitches ... just a few minor ones, like a rainy morning so we didn't get the pool set up, a really muggy afternoon, and no cake :) Nice, I know, what a mom! However, I was quick on my feet, and came to the rescue with a huge hunk o watermelon with 4 spiraly, neon candles, AND a Birthday Bear CareBear.

She was pleased, and we are proud to say that we had 20 people in and out of here during the day on Saturday. At one point, there were 18 in our livingroom ... for those of you who have seen our livingroom, you know that this is a miracle in itself! Here, she is all a dither with excitement as Dunley tries to free Ariel, the Little Mermaid from her plastic/wire prison, which is nicely decorated in an "under the sea" theme. She finally found freedom, leaving behind bits of wire, and the nice "under the sea" box. Whew!

... you live in a zoo ...

Yes, yes we do! Anyway, today is another birthday in the Rahija household ...

Erin is 4 today (FOUR!!!)

How did this happen? How did my little girl turn into a big preschool girl? We are still working on finding a preschool, since the one we were planning isn't where she'll attend.

Soooo, Happy Birthday, Erin! We love you!

"He he he. That sucker doesn't even realize I kept his coin." (Jesus?)

Sean and David introduced me to these video clips. I laughed out loud quite a bit upon viewing them ... and then had a moment of seriousness, as these clips were made to show how many people view Jesus. Check them out, and see what you think -- I hope I'm not the only one who laughs out loud!
#1
#2
#3
#4

I'd like to get my computer to sing the Peter "I'm walking in dirt and rocks" when I log in.

Some more great videos are on the vintage21 site, "The Believer Way". (click on the projector) Another look at "Christian-speak".

... you look like a monkey

Belated birthday wishes go out to David (August 14th) and Krista (August 18th). We are going to celebrate over at mom and dad's this afternoon/evening ... I we just hadn't made a "big deal" about it yet :) Happy birthday, my loved ones! Erin's birthday is next Thursday ... how can 4 years have passed since she joined our family?!?!? I will never cease to be amazed at the quick passage of time when we aren't thinking about it!

... and you smell like one too!

BBQ

The BBQ is over (for this week, anyway!) and the "outcome" was different that I think any of us thought. David has a theory as to why we didn't have a single person come as a result of the flier ... agree mostly with his thoughts. I also am feeling badly, because I think I was maybe arrogant in my attitude towards the BBQ ... so sure that because of all the interest we had from people at the garage sale, from students at the info fair, from people living in the area around the ministry center, that there would be no place to put all of the people. I sometimes fear, as I think about it, that I was somehow to blame for this. I didn't let God be God, I was sure we had figured out the "formula." Then ... I re-read David's post and think about all the positive things that happened. We were able to have lots of one-on-one conversations with individual new people, and hear their stories. I watched the Random 1 video for last week -- David's obsession has grabbed me too! -- and there was a quote in there (I took notes, even!) that said, "Until we see where a person is living, you cannot understand the depth of their desperation" (or something like that ... my notes are downstairs right now). How did we expect to start relationships with 5000 people, when we only have about 25 "regulars" to circulate? That is simply ridiculous! Jesus fed 5000+ people at one time, and could do it again. I guess I'm just glad we didn't have to call on him to do so this week! We are more ready than we realize, but I also think God uses times like this to prepare us for the next time. AND, we did notice several car loads of student-looking individuals drive by, but think that with the scant crowd of 15 people in the front yard, did not want to be #16, 17, and 18. However, they saw our banner, and maybe will come another time ... after a while, the cafeteria food wears on you enough that the thought of free home-cooked food might be more exciting than the first week of school or, their spiritual hunger might direct them our way too. The freshmen all have our flier in their hands, in their room, so there is a point of contact, PLUS we have a whole bucket full of names that requested more info about UC at the info fair on Tuesday night -- that's a celebration in itself. We want to use this week to contact them and reconnect, one more step in the direction to a relationship!

Also, Sean and Rachel and I sat at the indoor info fair in the Kansas Union yesterday. We didn't get any more names, but we did visit with a few students who may attend our meal next week -- I can think of four that Rachel and I visited with who specifically asked for more specific directions to the event, and asked what we did. Again, it was only a one-time encounter, but we were able to actually visit with them since there were so few people.

This is where we turn things over to our Almighty Father, who is probably giggling at our bunbling attempts, but blessing our actions because our hearts are full of His Kingdom, and bringing glory to His name. Please continue to pray for us as we joyfully seek out those who are hurting and those who are seeking Him (even if they don't know it yet!). On to Sunday worship ... on to book club discussion ... on to Girls' Night ... on to next Phat Thursday ... and whatever God puts in our path between now and then!

As for this random ramble, it's done for now :)

Another Crazy Week

Hello! I've been a bit absent from contributing to my blog, but have enjoyed keeping up with everyone else this week! What a crazy time the last few weeks have been! After the garage sale, Natalie's birthday party (Saturday), Trinity Family Church presentation, Will's birthday party (Sunday), leadership team meeting (Monday), book club (Tuesday), free night!! (Wednesday), Sean's ordination (Thursday), house cleanup-hang picture day (Fri/Sat), District Wide worship service (Sunday), and that brings us to preparation for this week ... Hawk Week!

In preparation for this semester, we wanted to let as many students as possible know about UC, and interact with as many of them as possible. One way we did this is through fliers ... 5,000 of them. A great deal on printing gave us an amazing opportunity to get our fliers into the dorms (2500), into the hands of students at our garage sale, and our big night ... the Info Fair (all the new freshmen come to the lawn of Strong Hall and are innundated with information from the KU student organizations). We have a drawing for gifts certificates to the KU Bookstore, Hastings, and Yellow Sub, and this way, if students request more information, we have their contact info, and can reach out to them beyond the first week of school. Our fliers are advertising our Welcome Back BBQ, which is tonight (T minus 3 hours!)! As we passed them out to students at the Info Fair, it was interesting to see the reactions: some tossed it in their pile, signed up for the drawing, and moved on; some looked very leary, as we are a church, some seemed politely interested, but not deeply moved; some were blatantly offended by a church offering them a free meal; some were intrigued; some were excited by the chance for free food; some wanted information about our organization; ... some will come ... some will not. HOWEVER, I am so excited by what is taking place in our "family". We have students who attended our events and services last year taking ownership in things this year, helping and planning. We have tons of people who will return from the summer and start engaging in spiritual discussions/growth. Our music team has more depth, as two instrumentalists have joined us. The opportunity for furthing the Kingdom of God is infinite!

Okay, I'm kinda getting giddy over vauge things here -- there are specific examples too many to record here, so I'll try to get them out over the next few weeks. However, I have a cake to frost before tonight, as well, as a little girl's overnight bag to pack for a trip to Grandma and Grandpa's house. And I need to change my shirt! So, until later, have a wonderful day, and please pray with us as we strive to reach hurting people!

Sold: Everything BUT the garage!

So, I am mostly recuperated from the crazy weekend we had ... THE GARAGE SALE! I posted about it before and wanted to share some of the "during" and "after".

Friday, I meant to get to Lawrence between 9:30 and 10, but David accidentally took the girls' carseats with him to work, so I was stuck here until he got home around 1:30. I left and headed to town with my baskets of clean clothes for the sale (after $27 at the laundromat from ONLY washing, Rachel and I still took several loads home to wash, and we had several baskets that we took to others' homes to have them dry). Upon arriving, I found lots of disarray, but that's okay, everyone organizes differently! I tried to start organizing and continued washing items that I found that were dirty -- we wanted to offer a "clean" garage sale, so even "if" we had leftovers to donate, someone wouldn't be getting dirty stuff. When my co-coordinator arrived later in the afternoon, she decided we needed to take everything off the tables and move the tables outside so we could start organizing out there (the tables would not fit through the doors of the rooms they were in without being on their sides). Thankfully, there was a breeze and the heat was not horrible. Matt and Dena arrived with food for the evening (THANK YOU!), and helped us get the tables out of the basement to the yard. Around 6, the UC crew started arriving, and we had a more constant flow of items going from the basement to the yard, and the storage annex to the yard.

Now, because everyone thinks differently, our main goal was to get the items out and on tables so many folks could go home and feel good about getting the stuff "out" on the tables. There were many different ideas on how things should be organized and also different opinions about prices ... all of our advertising said "most items are by donation", but some thought a price sticker would "help" people know what to give - geesh. Anyway, that is beside the point.

Okay, we're all bringing stuff up out of the basement and out of the shed, and we are filling the yard, which faces Kasold, a VERY busy street in Lawrence. Naturally, people see a yard sale, they stop in to check it out. On Friday night alone, we sold items that profited over $400. The yard was crammed with people and they were making piles of stuff to haul away. I don't know how to best paint a picture of the amount of things we had at this sale, but David estimates that we had at least 20 trailer loads of stuff. This filled 4 rows of "church tables", an 8'x4' table, the ground under the tables, the sidewalks surrounding the church, two queen sized blankets (toys alone), PLUS the area for furniture, shoes, sporting goods, and household appliance items (ceiling fans, foot spas, aquariums, ...). I felt bad, because so much of the stuff was still in boxes and not organized AT ALL! However, people still stayed to look and dig -- until 9pm. After that, the people from Faith church left, and we were allowed to start the organizing.

Rachel, Dena, Matt, Jimmie (sorry, Jimmie, I've been spelling your name wrong for a year now!), Sean, and I (as well as Avery) stayed all night at the church to "guard" the garage sale, but to organize it as well. After a few errands, we got to work, and spent the night sorting, organizing, and laughing about items we found. It took us until 6:15am to finish, but we all felt good about the progress were proud of what we had done. I would have to say that I was stunned about some of the items that people found appropriate to donate, but those laughs kept us going!

The next morning, we had customers arriving before 7, and we had a constant flow of people until 1, then we posted on freecycle and Larryvill.com that as of 1:30, everything left was free, and to come and get it! Another flood of people arrived, and carried away more things. At the end of the day, we only had three loosely packed trailers full of items left. EVERY item of furniture was gone -- all of it! Not too shabby! Thanks to Rachel, Dena, Matt, Jimmie, David, Sean, Lisa, Shirley & Don (Lisa's parents), Julie, Dott, Gary, Warren, Virginia, and Jan for all of your hard work!!

The fundraising part of our day was exciting, as we brought in over $2200, split down the middle between the two churches. Faith is putting their money towards a missions goal, and UC is putting our share towards the garage refurbishing project (we need more space, as our student center has met capacity again - we are converting the garage into a usable space).

The best part of the two days, I am so excited to share. The process and purpose of this garage sale underwent many changes throughout its entirety. At first it was simply a fund raiser. A few weeks into the process, though, we realized how much of an opportunity this could be to get out into the community ... IF we CHOSE to make it one! We met so many wonderful people through the freecycle/Larryville communities who donated items, and we were able to help many of them get rid of things they didn't want to move or store. Some of them have kept contact with us, and we hope to continue the relationship. The other way we were meeting people, is at the garage sale. We had our UC BBQ fliers and info cards at the table, and Faith also had an info card to pass out. As we were circulating through the people, I know the UC people were purposely connecting with customers, and inviting them to the BBQ. At the check out they also got info. The neat part is that when we see these people in WalMart or Dillons, we can reconnect with them, and continue to build a rapport with them, the beginnings of a relationship, a safe connection. I look forward to these relationships continuing and growing ... Erica, Josh, Erin ... Jana, Xiao, Shaunna ... Brian, Cher, John ... who knows where they are or where they have been or how we fit into that puzzle. I only know that Jesus was out among the people, making connections, being genuine, forming trustworthy relationships, and giving all.

Where else would we want to be?

HUGE Garage Sale in Lawrence, KS - 30+ families!

Hello, all! This Saturday, our church is having a joint sale with Faith Church of the Nazarene in Lawrence, KS at 1020 Kasold Dr. There is so much stuff, and I am so tired, I can't list it, but if you want to check out our ad ... please do! I'm excited to meet the people who attend, and know some new friendships have already formed through this process. I'll blog more about the entire situation after it's over! Please join us on Saturday!

Ours on Loan

I can't sleep ...

There is this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, at the back of my throat, in the depths of my heart. I feel awful, scared, ... faithless.

Erin, as I have mentioned several times lately, has been extremely in touch spiritually ... sharing Bible stories with friends she meets at the park, restaurant workers, at church ... picking out lonely hearts and seeking to ease the pain ... praying lots of prayers throughout the day and at bedtime (although sometimes it seems as if those are sometimes stall tactics, but what can you do? "Sorry, kid, no more prayers."?).

Tonight was different. On our way home, Erin was thankful for the stars, as she often is, and started saying like, "Is that Jesus' star? It's the brightest one. That must be where Baby Jesus is, and Mary and Joseph too. I want to go there, and be with Jesus." Nothing worrisome here, infact, very sweet, if off a bit theologically. As the trip progressed, things got a bit more serious, and she began asking more questions. We were listening to her Veggie Tales Worship Songs tape, and when the intro for the song In the Secret came on, it spurred a traumatic response in Erin ...
"... there's a place where we can hear God's voice ... it's a secret place ..." (kids on tape)
"Mommy, did you know there's a secret place we can go to hear God's voice? I wish I knew that place. I try and try and can't ever hear God, mommy. Why can't I hear His voice? I want to see Him and know Him." (I realize the last few phrases are from the song ... "I want to know you, I want to hear Your voice, I want to know You more. I want to touch You, I want to see Your face, I want to know You more.")

I tried to explain that we don't always hear God's voice, as in a physical sound or words, but that we know He hears our prayers and answers them, He gives us peace, and creates a beautiful world for us to enjoy and take care of as well as we can. Of course, I'm feeling very "out of my league" trying to explain this to her fairly literal mind in very abstract terms. The part that got me was when she started crying, no, sobbing, because she couldn't hear God talking to her. She kept spitting out phrases like, "There's so much I want to talk to Him about ..." "Why can't I hear Him?" "Why can't I be in Heaven too?" This continued all the way to the house, up the stairs, and through bedtime preparations (yes, she was exhausted from an early morning, and no nap). I pulled her onto my lap, and tried to comfort her, but she would not be comforted. During prayer time, she cried again, asking God if she could be in heaven and why her wishes (to be in heaven with Him and Jesus) had not been granted. Still distraught, she finally ended, and laid down to sleep. By this time, Avery was really hungry, so I moved to the rocker to feed her, which brought more distress to Erin, who enjoys me snuggling her at bedtime. She finally calmed down, and went to sleep, looking crumpled and defeated, but relaxed.

Now, why am I such a mess? "People say" (whoever "they" are) that sometimes people are more spiritually aware as they near death. They make closure with family/friends, take care of financial issues, wait for the "ok" from their family before breathing their last ... I can't help but wonder as I think about the last few weeks with Erin. The thing that tears me up, is that she seemed so unhappy in this place, and longed for intimate communion with her God ... and I had to fight the urge to try and dissuade her from that, because for her wish of being in heaven to come true, means that I lose my little girl.

That being said, I am reminded of several things ... 1. When Erin was born, actually, before she was born, we dedicated her to God, taking the view that she is a precious gift to us from our Father, on loan until His timing says different. 2. "Better is one day in Your courts than 1000 days anywhere else" 3. The song sung at her dedication service by a dear friend and his two daughters, I Can Only Imagine. 4. Sunday morning in our livingroom/kitchen ... David and I were running through music for worship service that afternoon, and were singing Blessed Be Your Name, one of Erin's favorite songs (on the Veggie Tales Worship Songs CD), and she drug a chair out from the table, stood up on it, her arm around me, bellowing out all the lyrics at the TOP of her voice.

How can I be so selfish, and want to keep anyone here, much less, my own child, when we, as the creations of the Holy God, will have the amazing (such a lame word choice, but what else is there?) joy of worshipping Him without end in the courts of Heaven? As the song says, "Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel? Will I dance for You, Jesus, or in awe of You be still?" If you've ever met Erin, you will probably smile at this, and guess, as I, that she'll be dancing in His presence. Why am I not dancing myself, because my almost 4 year old longs to be in the presence of the Most High ... she looks at others through His eyes, follows the leading of His Spirit, and shows the compassion of His Son -- okay, maybe that's a proud mama talking, (if you've read many of the "Erin" blog entries, you'll know that she's no angel, and is very good at disobeying, hurting others' feelings, and being a general pill at times!) but every since Erin has had a personality, I feel God has used her as His vessel, creating opportunities in her life for ministry to others.

I still have yet to say exactly why I am sitting her snivelling and diverting tears away from the keyboard ... I guess, to come out and say it, I am afraid of losing my child. Just typing those words brings a flood of silent sobs to my throat, and a fresh stream of tears to my cheeks. I cannot imagine the feeling of going into her room and finding her cold and lifeless. I cannot imagine the pain of choosing a funeral home or picking clothes for her for the last time. I cannot imagine going into the girls' room to take her things out ... calling the relatives ... driving past a park full of kids playing without mine ... explaining to her baby sister in later years that her sister is with Jesus ... which is where she belongs ... we all do, it's where He desires us to be.

I said earlier that I felt faithless. I guess that is not completely true. Faith is what is keeping me from running down there every 10 seconds to check if she's still breating (I've only checked on her twice, and I was in there to lay Avery down both times), or laying down to hold her while she sleeps. I know she rests in His arms, as she has every night since they placed her in our arms at the hospital, and will every night until He really does take her home. I know He has had her days numbered from the beginning of time, as are mine and yours. It's funny, because just today she and I were talking about something that happened before David and I even met, and she asked where she was. I told her that she wasn't born yet, and was just a dream in God's eyes. Her eyes shone, and she said with awe, "I was a dream in God's eyes?!"

Yes, my beautiful, loving, ornery, mischeivous, stubborn, confident, amazingly faith-filled child, you were, and He is loving watching you grow in all matters -- he probably thinks it's hilarious to watch you make streamers out of toilet paper to decorate my room, mix up "cakes" out of salt and milk, and pick up that darn dead bird that keeps resurfacing in the backyard because you're curious. I will too, someday, I guess. No matter what happens this night, or tomorrow, or the day after that, I guess this is His way of reminding me what a precious gift He has given us.

This blog entry isn't meant for you, it was for me. Sorry for run-on sentences, bad punctuation, 500 links to song lyrics, and all the rest -- I don't care, it was raw, and I had to sort through my feelings. Throughout the course of this evening(morning), I gave Erin back to God ... maybe I have an inkling of the feeling Abraham had as he led his son toward the sacrifical altar, before the ram appeared. I am going to go kiss my children and go back to bed now.

Thank You, Father, for the gift of my beautiful girls. They are so precious to me, and I know even more precious to You. I know I have been selfish, and I want to lay them at Your feet, knowing that if You choose to bring one or both to You at any time, they will rest with You, in Your perfect arms of love, as you cradle our other baby. What a blessing, to know we have nothing to fear when we're safe in Your arms. Good night, Father. Thank you for holding me in Your arms, loving me, comforting my heart, and calming my fears. Good night.

Wrong, Again.

Well, I had my butt kicked spiritually yesterday by my nearly four year old ...

After spending the morning worshipping with another faith community, Faith Journey, Sunday morning, we went out to eat at Red Robin for lunch. We had a large party, and it was very loud. The hostess keeps a stash of helium balloons for the kids at the front desk, which was right next to us, and Erin had been eyeing a green one for the entire meal -- a long time for her! She was bored, full of spaghetti, and ready to have her balloon, so I took her over to get one (I thought we were getting close to leaving at this point -- I was wrong). While she danced about with her new green friend, I was getting Avery settled, and trying to move our little family toward the car ... our church in Lawrence was starting in an hour, and we hadn't gotten the music together yet. While my back was turned, Erin noticed a girl sitting outside smoking, and she turned to me, excited to the point of bouncing, and said, "Momma, can I go outside with that lady with the smoke?"

My first instinct was to say "No" immediately, but I wanted to find the root of her curiosity (I know, I should really give up that dream!), so I said in a kind of "put out" sort of way, "Now why in the world would you want to do that?"

She looked at me, with eyes filled with that look of "Duh, mom", and said, "Well, she's sitting all by herself, and I didn't want her to be lonely."

Wow -- that one hit me right in the heart. Tears sprung to my eyes, as I beheld Jesus in the eyes of my daughter. I smiled at her and shook my head yes, and she ran out the door. I was a bit concerned, as the parking lot was right there, so I kind of hurried after her, cutting off a woman who was also heading outdoors. I apologized, and explained that my daughter had just run outside to keep a girl company that looked lonely to her. The woman stopped and thought about what I said, while holding the door for me, and then said, "Wow, how old is she?" I told her, and she just shook her head in amazement.

When I got outside, Erin was sitting next to the girl, happily holding her balloon, swinging her feet, and smiling at her soon-to-be friend. I watched, as Erin scooted closer to her and complimented her shirt (it had sequins on it). The girl looked at Erin kind of strangely, and kept looking at her lap. She told Erin she liked her dress. Erin proceeded to thank her and tell her that her mom had got it at a garage sale (Thanks, Erin!), and just continued beaming at this woman. I noticed then, that the girl was looking at her lap because she was holding her cell phone and as she brought it close to her face, I realized that she had an ear piece in, and was just talking into the actual phone. I held my hand out to Erin and told her that we needed to let the woman finish her phone call, and that she wasn't lonely because she was talking to a friend on her phone. Erin smiled, hollered out a goodbye, and headed back into the air conditioning.

The girl, still looking confused, made eye contact with me. I quickly explained that Erin had seen her from inside and was afraid she was lonely, so wanted to come keep her company so she wouldn't be alone. The girl's face melted and she smiled at me. I smiled and walked back inside, fearful of where Erin's next adventure might lead without supervision. However, as I was opening the door, I heard the girl comment to her phone friend, "Oh wow, I was out having a smoke, and this little girl saw me from inside and came to keep me company because she didn't want me to be lonely..."

The tone of her voice said more than the words, and I had to stop again to evaluate what had just transpired. Once again, my daughter saw a need, came up with a way to meet the need, and executed it, in spite of my efforts to detain her. All I saw was a girl smoking (I HATE the smell of smoke and how it permeates everything from hair to clothes to your purse!), but Erin saw her through Jesus' eyes, and took a moment to share love with her. Where did Jesus hang out ... the docks, wells, the temple, with sick people, and among the masses (who probably smelled worse than a little smoke). Where am I hanging out???

As we pursue God's plan for us in Lawrence, KS, growing His kingdom, and sharing His love, I was convicted that I have so far to go. May we all take a lesson from Erin, and learn to follow Him with immediate action and love ... faith like a child.

No? Now that's funny!

Who could say "no" to this face?

Avery Layne ... 3 1/2 months

Daddy hasn't got a chance!
Gotta love baby grins!

Newest Erin-isms

Some new words from Erin:

"road canschection" ... road construction

"Blessed be Your glorious soufflet" ... "Blessed by Your glorious name" (Blessed Be Your Name by Matt Redman)

"compilot" ... billfold (I think she was confusing/combining "compact" and "palm pilot" -- two other things found in my purse)

"pullsherry see-ening" ... poultry seasoning



As always, it's a joy (and sometimes, a hoot!) to converse with my daughter!

New Feature

I found a new feature available on my personal website today!