Roller Coaster -- the past three weeks

Well, this is not a blog I want to compose, but I am anyway ... The last three weeks have been what some might call an emotional roller coaster. We have experienced the range of emotion, from shock to excitement to worry to disappointment.

Three weeks ago, after feeling icky for the past month, someone suggested I take a pregnancy test. I refused at first, (Avery is only 6 months old for goodness sake!), but after reevaluating the symptoms I was having, I gave in and got a test. Upon taking it, the flaming blue line that appeared before I could even set the test back on the counter confirmed that, indeed, we would be adding a third child to our brood. Well, tears followed, but not out of immediate joy and jubilation, but out of fear. How would we support another baby (we still have a few outstanding bills from Avery!), where would be put another baby, how would we transport another baby (the Bronco had been rear-ended two days previously)???

I called to make an appointment with Dr. Peck (the most amazing OB/GYN EVER!), and made an embarrased request for an OB appointment. I was also concerned because Avery is still breastfedand I didn't know how safe that was for everyone involved. One of the nurses called me back and told me it was fine to keep nursing, just add 500 calories to my daily diet.

October 5th, I purchased a cheap crib from someone in Lawrence, to help us with the bedding shortage in the girls' room.

October 6th, we went to Dr. Peck's for our appointment. We found a lot of new staff, but several familiar faces. I did the routine pee-in-a-cup, and we waited for our turn. My vitals were fine, and I was starting to get excited because I know he does a sonogram at the first OB appointment to make sure everything is going well. It wasn't. He could not locate a baby in the gestational sac, so he asked us to make a new appointment for the following week.

The week between the two appointments was really hard, as I felt really sick each day. The girls were not getting fair mommy time, and I felt horrible about it. We went to the appointment on Thursday afternoon, and the sonogram revealed no growth, just a blighted ovum, which means (to my understanding) that the egg was fertilized, but didn't get beyond that.

We are now waiting for the miscarriage to be complete, as I took 4 pills this morning to instigate the process. I took them at 10am and it is now 6:30 pm, and I haven't even started anything. I have, however, been taking Tylenol 3s, and they are making me dizzyish and woozy, which is not the most exciting thing. I also have had a headache all day. The girls are with grandma and grandpa Rahija, I'm sure having a ball, so it has been nice and quiet here last evening and today. I have had lots of rest, so that is good too. I just hate waiting on things!

As far as emotions/reactions go, we are surprisingly at peace. It was weird being in the same room as we were when we heard this news about a year and a half ago, and it brought up lots of memories. However, at that time, we were hoping and trying for a baby, while now it completely surprised us -- we were NOT ready for another baby, although we would have loved it just the same. I don't know why these things happen, and I don't question God's timing, I just know that His ways are higher than mine. We are thankful for our family and friends who have and continue to support us. We are thankful for our girls, who, last night before grandpa and grandma came to pick them up, joined us in a family prayer time, where we all cried (Avery, simply because she was hungry). I tried to explain to Erin, that my tummy got confused and thought that there was a baby growing in there, but there wasn't, and mommy had to take this medicine so she could get back to being mommy again, instead of tired, grumpy mommy. She cried because she didn't want me to hurt, and was scared. That's why mommy cried :) What a sweet spirit this girl has!

I am also thankful for my husband, who has been with me all day, bringing me juice, grilled cheese sandwiches, warming the covers with a hairdryer because my feet were freezing, and just being here for me. I am so blessed! Thank you, God!